Your Spouse May Not Understand Your Pain Yet

struggle By now you’ve realized that you and your spouse may have very different mental and emotional patterns going on. But everyone is capable of having empathy for others, so why doesn’t he understand how much this porn issue hurts you?

Blind Spots and Protective Measures

There are some really heavy emotions going on in the porn users life:

Fear
Guilt
Shame

For most, these are emotions they’re running from, and it keeps them locked in the habit. But for those who are in a recovery program, they have to deal with these emotions head on. The intensity of dealing with their own conflicting emotions keeps them numb to your pain (but only for a little while).

Imagine how much more fearful, guilty and shameful they would feel having to deal with the full force of how this porn habit is affecting you. They already have some intuitive understanding which feeds into their guilt and shame, but they need some time to work through their own emotions before they can really digest yours.

Porn users protect themselves from their own fear, guilt and shame by hiding their habit and lying (to themselves and others). They’re still in a stage of self-protection during the early days of recovery. After they get some success and regain some confidence, they will probably become more sensitive to you.

Be Clear and Kind

If your spouse isn’t in recovery yet, you need to be clear that you won’t accept their behavior. Tell them they need to enroll in a recovery program right away so that you can begin to trust them again. Although you may feel very hurt and angry, be careful not to multiply the problem with mean and spiteful words.

Honesty is important in a relationship but there are different ways to express your feelings honestly. Don’t let your emotions come out in a way that judges or accuses, especially if your spouse is already in recovery. Be aware of your tone of voice and facial expressions as well. You don’t have to walk around on egg shells, but keep in mind that your goal is to improve understanding between you and your spouse.

Venus & Mars Communicate

Have you ever read the book “Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus”? You can find it on Amazon, at your local bookseller or in the library. It’s not 100{bda5e1ff4f696e433360859710ea00f93f5a180c77a32668a2750d1b463ad63f} accurate to say all men are Martians and all women are Venusian’s, but some understanding can be gained from these ideas. Learn how to relate better to him and he may gradually begin to understand you and your feelings.

Resources:

Why Do Women Handle Emotions Differently than Men? – Dawson’s Blog
Differences Between Men and Women – YourTango.com

	Richard & Mari Curry have been Blessed in married since December 2005 and have four children. They love working together as a team and are passionate about caring for others, especially in the realm of marriage development. After Mari received her Masters of Divinity from Cheongshim Theological Seminary, she and Richard served as co-pastors in Florida. Since then, they moved to New Jersey and over the years have happily served in a variety of ministry roles from music to education. All the while, working together to serve the Blessed Marriage Project and now High Noon Couples. They were a part of the founding team in 2013 and have been a part of it ever since. They currently serve as the directors of Highnoon Couples. They love the Energize! Retreats because they help realize True Parent’s desire for healthy couples and reminds us of Heavenly Parent’s love and hope for us all! Contact Mari at: mari@kr.highnoon.org
	Crescentia & Leighton DeGoede have been Blessed in married since October 2010, and have three children. Crescentia is currently serving as the District Pastor of district 3 and local pastor of the Clifton Family Church. Previously Crescentia was the Director of the National Blessing and Family Ministry of FFWPU for six years. Both Leighton and Crescentia currently serve as Matching Supporters. Prioritizing their marriage, while juggling children, work, and community service has been an exciting challenge. But they continue to find that the more they invest in their marriage, the more they have to give in all areas of their lives. They love giving other couples the opportunity to infuse their marriages with love deposits through marriage enrichment programs.
	Christoph & Lena Yasutake have been Blessed in marriage since April 2002 and have three teenagers. They are both equally passionate about marriage education and helping blessed couples create happy and healthy families. The Energize! Retreats are one of their favorite ways to share this passion. They served in the Young Couples ministry for six years and are frequent guest speakers at Blessing Workshops.
	Kate Pugnoli has served as the Community Liaison and is also responsible for generating our monthly newsletter. A former journalist, she has a Masters of Religious Education from the Unification Theological Seminary where she took focused her studies on counseling courses. She has also had experience facilitating small groups. The mother of two sons, now Blessed in marriage, she lives in Tucson, AZ with her husband Simon Herbert. She is committed to working with the Blessed Marriage Project in hopes that marriage enrichment will be available to communities across the country and particularly to bring the Energize! Couples Retreat to as many couples as possible.