What You Both Really Want
Of course, everyone wants love; but what is love? And why do men and women experience love differently? How can we define love so we can meet on common ground?
Love Seems Beyond Description
People have been baffled about love throughout history, but somehow we think we know it when we feel it—but do we? Plenty of people have been tricked into bad relationships because of their “feelings”. Thus, there’s a debate about whether love is a feeling or not.
Is love only a commitment? Is it a character trait, a feeling or an action? Even psychologists admit that they don’t know what love is. Why does love make us fools? No matter how many books, poems, screenplays, or lyrics are written about love, we can’t get enough, but we still don’t understand it.
When do we feel loved?
We feel loved when we feel safe, yet stimulated in some way. Giving and receiving flows freely because we feel unconditionally accepted by the other. The exchange is vibrant, joyful and comforting all at the same time. We feel loved when our sameness and differences can play together in harmony like a symphony. In our closest relationships, marriage and family, we feel loved through intimate moments, when we’re vulnerable but safe.
Eyes that meet across a crowded room and instinctively know what the other is thinking. Quiet talks, sharing our deepest secrets. Holding hands, hugging, kissing, touching. A baby sucks on it’s mother’s breast with eyes fixated on her face. The tired toddler falls asleep on Daddy’s shoulder, as if the world no longer exists. Your child wraps their arms around your neck and holds on tightly hoping you wont go. Intimacy is how we love.
Intimacy is Vital to Life
Intimacy is primal and essential. Children need appropriate intimacy to thrive. Both men and women seek intimacy because it’s the source that keeps giving. Lovemaking is the most intimate and vulnerable place. The fact that we approach this need from different perspectives is part of the complex dance that allows love to grow in ever more beautiful ways. Intimacy is the life force from which we come, and it’s where we seek to return.
We suffer when intimacy is violated, stolen, misused, neglected or damaged in some way. We fail to thrive. We look for substitutes. We become desperate because intimacy is as vital to life as food and water. With only substitutes, inadequate amounts or inappropriate types of intimacy, we become dysfunctional people.
We don’t understand what we want
We live in a dysfunctional world that focuses on sex, taking it out of the context of love. It looks intimate but it’s not. Porn seems safe because the user is alone. It’s anything but safe because it’s degrading and often violent. Girls grow up thinking they have to be sexy to please a man, and boys grow up thinking they can take whatever they want. We’re confused about love.
“All you need is love…”, “What the world needs now is love…”
In marriage, intimacy allows love to grow and thrive. It’s the source of new life, not only through procreation, but it’s the evolution of a man and a woman. Intimacy is where a man and woman complete each other by growing together to resemble their divine source. Intimacy is what both men and women want, but don’t know how to get. Love is expressed and felt when we feel safe enough to be vulnerably close.