Day 5 – Getting an Accountability Partner
Today’s lesson is a huge deal, one of the biggest milestones in the whole program. Buckle your seat belt as we dive into getting an accountability partner.
If you’ve had your first group meeting, congratulations! If not yet, it’s coming soon. Look forward to it, it’ll be great 😀
Outside Your Group
There’s one more relationship that can make all the difference in your recovery – an Accountability Partner.
Uggghhhh, first I need a group. Now I need an accountability partner?
If this is how you’re feeling right now, congratulations! More than likely, opening up more is exactly what you need in your recovery. Take a look where those feelings are coming from. What drives your desire to keep this thing hidden?
We understand how difficult it can be to share this problem with someone else. It’s normal to feel embarrassed or shameful. Even though it’s scary, opening up and sharing this secret side of your life is possibly the biggest step you can take towards freedom and recovery.
Porn thrives in secrecy and isolation. The more you open up to other people the more ammo you have in fighting your habit. While a porn habit thrives in secrecy, it dies in community.
The group call is a huddle. Where the game actually happens is out in your life. You need someone there by your side through all the punches life throws at you. That’s what an Accountability Partner is for.
How do I pick an Accountability Partner?
Here are some things that make a good Accountability Partner:
Someone you respect and don’t want to disappoint.
- A key role an Accountability Partner plays is being the person you have the conversation in your head about, “I told so-and-so I would do this thing… I don’t want to tell him I didn’t do it.”
Is an adult you know personally.
- An ideal Accountability Partner is someone who’s farther along in life than you and is in a good position to support you. It’s also good to have a prior relationship with them, so they can act as someone you can reach out to during the low points of your recovery.
Many people choose a parent, adult sibling, or someone else they look up to.
- Someone who can challenge you, but won’t criticize you
You don’t need someone reminding you how you’ve messed up. However, it’s good having someone in your corner you trust that can push you that little bit extra when needed.
Someone you trust
- You’ll be sharing deep stuff with this person. Make sure they’re someone that cares about you, and can be respectful of you.
Who’s someone that comes to mind that fits this description?
(If you’re reaalllly stuck on thinking of an Accountability Partner then talk to your facilitator. They can help you work through finding one. Although it’s not ideal, they might even agree to doing it temporarily being the saint that they are.)
Reaching out to your Accountability Partner
Now this is the scary part, isn’t it?
Realize that many people have struggled with this problem. You aren’t the first and you definitely aren’t the last. Your Accountability Partner will be understanding and will be willing to help you in any way that they can.
“I’d never told anyone about my porn struggle, I didn’t know how I was going to open up to someone on the regular. I swallowed my fear and confided in someone I look up to a lot. He did a good job hearing me out and knew exactly where I was coming from. We’re even closer now, and it feels great having someone I respect know this about me and still be cool.” -Dude, 23
Coming up with what to say can be hard. Here are a couple scripts you can use if that helps:
The Straight Up Version
“Hey, can I talk to you for a second? I trust you a lot and that’s why I’m talking to you now. I think I need your help with something I’ve been struggling with… I’ve tried to deal with it on my own but feel like I’m at a point where I really need some help. I’ve been struggling with porn for a while now, and realize that I can’t overcome it by myself.
I started doing the High Noon program – a program to help people get over porn – and one thing I learned about is having an accountability partner. I’m hoping that person can be you.
They said an accountability partner doesn’t need to have any experience, just to pick someone I respect. You came to mind… High Noon has information on how to do this, for now I’m just wondering if you’d be up for it?
This is really personal, please keep it confidential. I really want to beat this thing and it means a lot knowing you’ve got my back.”
The “We Got Your Back” Version
“Hey, I just wanted to ask if you’d be willing to help me with something personal. It’s a little tough to explain, so I want to share this video which will explain better than I can… (include one of these video links: https://vimeo.com/247942709 or https://vimeo.com/245258702 )
Please know that I chose you because I trust and respect you. I also ask that you keep this between us because it’s not something I’m ready to share with other people.
Thank you for taking the time to read this and please let me know your thoughts when you have time to watch the video.”
How will you reach out to this person?
When will you speak to him by?
Congratulations, you’ve just completed a giant step! Reaching out to an Accountability Partner is always the scariest obstacle. Tomorrow we’ll take a look at what your relationship with your AP can actually look like.
(Good job on completing the longest topic!)